Confessions of a {Christian} RN Graduate.

Really, that title should say “Confessions of a {Christian} RN Graduate, Sister, Fiance, Moving, Aunt, Daughter, and Friend. But that was too long, so you get the condensed version. Like many of us, I have worn a lot of “hats” the past 12 months. Some of them I have worn better than others. Some of them made me a happier person. Some of them made me a more bitter person.  But, all of them, regardless of the positive or negative way they affected me individually, equaled one stressed out, emotional, crazy woman. And in the middle of all of it was my struggle to maintain my faith in a God whom I fervently believes really does want the very best for me. With that being said, I have some “confessions,” some honest truths, about many of the things I have dealt with this past year. Is it good for me to get them off of my heart? Absolutely! But I do also hope that they can be an encouragement to any going through similar situations. I promise, you are not the only one who feels like your life is blowing up in your face!

Confession #1: I’ve been frustrated with God for a VERY long time. Or I suppose I should say, frustrated with God’s timing. And guess what? That’s okay. I know all of the quotes and verses about faith, hope or trust in the midst of trying circumstances, I really do. And do I believe them? Of course I do in the grand scheme of  things! But the day-to-day worry, fear, and doubt about the choices I’ve made and where they have brought me (feelings which I have given way too much authority in my life) wear down on the hopeful heart. Hence, the frustration, as I spent WAY too much time wondering why God had me in in one “place” in my life instead of another that I believed far more appropriate.

Confession #2: If it weren’t for Kelvin’s faith in our relationship, we wouldn’t be where we are today (<– getting married!).  It’s true, it really is. If there was a glue holding us together in the months leading up to getting engaged, it was him. I was mean, and sad, and angry, and confused so much of the time, and Kelvin bore the brunt of my frustrated heart. But here we are, engaged, and I am so very thankful that Kelvin took “for better or worse” to heart long before this day.

Confession #3: Moving to Denver scares the you-know-what out of me. I leave tomorrow morning…I’m going to get in my car and drive away from the one place that I have ALWAYS been able to call my home. A piece of my heart is going to stay right in this little house until I can come back and get it. But, I also have a pretty great guy on the other end of that drive (see Confession #2). So, I’m going for it.

Confession  #4: Searching for a job SUCKS. I hated every second of feeling inadequate, not smart enough, not qualified enough. But, really, who wouldn’t? I cried, a lot (like everyday). I was mean to my parents and Kelvin (but they still love me?). Continually, searching for my first RN job felt like looking for a needle in a haystack. How, may I ask, is any new nurse supposed to get a job when all jobs require a year of experience? Sadly, the people who were always being positive in my life, or telling me to “wait on God’s timing,” were also the people that I wanted to punch in the face sometimes (not really, but you know what I mean!).

Confession #5: I’m slightly scared to feel happy. I DID finish school. Kelvin and I DID make it. I am moving to CO. And I DID get an amazing job. All great things, right? I think so! This last week has been the lightest I have felt in years…as piece after piece after piece of my life has fallen into place. I have NO doubt that I am doing exactly what I am supposed to do, WHEN I am supposed to be doing it. But I’m still a little bit scared that everything will go “KA-BOOM!” again. I’m getting over it…but it’s taking some time!

So that’s it. Do I think that I am F.I.N.A.L.L.Y. coming up out of my “valley?” Yes, slowly, thank goodness. But, I also do not think that I will ever look back on this and say, “It wasn’t so bad,” because it HAS been hard. And I definitely would not want to do it again! But, I can say this. My timing, my plans for my life, were not the right ones. Good old 20/20 hindsight has shown me that. Now, more than ever, I genuinely DO believe that there are always good things waiting for us at the end of our struggles. W e simply have to recognize that though some trials are over in a month while others take years to end, the fact does not change that somewhere, both in the midst of and at the end of it all, are blessings.

 

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